看圖作文在英語作文中是大家普遍缺乏練習(xí)的一種類型，一個(gè)提高的方式就是看范例和點(diǎn)評(píng)，針對(duì)其中的錯(cuò)誤進(jìn)行自我修正。

 

手機(jī)依賴癥：

 

 

 

寫作原文

 

What a thought-provoking picture. (!)In the picture, although setting(sitting) on(改為around，用on意為“坐在桌子上”) the same table for dinner, people are completely absorbed in their mobile phones, and they are communicating with others through QQ, playing games and purchasing in the online shop(漢式思維，改為shopping online).Undoubtedly, the drawer(painter，drawer是“抽屜”) of the cartoon reveals a common phenomenon that mobile phones in our life is becoming so important that people generate the increasingly serious emotions of dependence on it. (首先，可以直接用the cartoon reveals…;其次，so important that后面的句子語法錯(cuò)誤，語句不通?？筛臑椋簍he cartoon reveals a common phenomenon that mobile phones are playing a more and more important role that people can’t live without them.)Various reasons result in the problem. On one hand, with the Price of cell phones declining(語序錯(cuò)誤，with the declining of cell phones’ price), the majority of people have (加the) ability to purchase mobiles phones. For example, everyone in China possess(單三，加es)a phone. On the other hand, with the development of technology, the function of mobile phone is becoming very strong(中式思維，改為powerful), and more and more people are fascinated with its diversion(應(yīng)為“消遣功能”，加function) .And above all, modern people are always too boring and exhausted, and they need somethings(something)such as cell phones to relieve pressure. Ultimately, many people are becoming salves(slaves，salve是“藥膏”) of phones.In my opinion, mobile phones are making people in hazard(用在這里不合適，夸大了手機(jī)對(duì)人們?cè)斐傻挠绊?。可改為mobile phones are harmful to people in some respects). People always waste lots of time on mobile phones, which can not only impact the health of people but also make people ignore the real reality. Therefore, people must learn to develop the awareness of using mobiles properly.

 

總體點(diǎn)評(píng)

 

文章立意正確，內(nèi)容切題，結(jié)構(gòu)完整，需要以下問題：1、文章的內(nèi)容雖然切題，但力度不夠，反映到文章中即分析原因不夠深入。比如，“由于手機(jī)價(jià)錢下降，很多人有能力購買手機(jī)”——是什么造成了手機(jī)價(jià)錢下降?“現(xiàn)代人經(jīng)常感到無聊和疲憊，所以用手機(jī)來釋放壓力”——為什么現(xiàn)代人會(huì)無聊和疲憊?2、文章觀點(diǎn)正確，但有一點(diǎn)考慮不夠全面。如文章一直在強(qiáng)調(diào)手機(jī)對(duì)人們帶來的不好影響，但忽視了手機(jī)給人們帶來的好處。手機(jī)除了“輻射”是自身的缺陷之外，它本質(zhì)是對(duì)人有利的，焦點(diǎn)在于“人們應(yīng)該適度有效利用手機(jī)”。3、文章有拼寫錯(cuò)誤，有的已經(jīng)影響了表達(dá)，如salves(slaves)。寫完之后需仔細(xì)檢查。4、文章有語法錯(cuò)誤，如everyone后一般現(xiàn)在時(shí)應(yīng)使用動(dòng)詞的單三形式，需加強(qiáng)自己的語法基礎(chǔ);5、文章有的地方是中式思維，不夠地道，如“sit on the table”，需多背誦模仿一些經(jīng)典佳句，使表達(dá)更加精準(zhǔn)。

 

參考分?jǐn)?shù)(滿分20分)：11

 

英語寫作水平的提升需要不斷地練習(xí)，在改正錯(cuò)誤中不斷取得進(jìn)步，不怕犯錯(cuò)誤，怕明知道犯錯(cuò)誤卻不面對(duì)。看了范文和點(diǎn)評(píng)，希望大家有思考，有提高。